I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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