I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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