let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
