Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
