Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
