that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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