Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
