I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
