Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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