Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
