I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Two words: nipple clamps
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