if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
