Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
