i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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