toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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