I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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