we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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