I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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