It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
