I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
