I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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