So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this is an emotional support booty call
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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