I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
