pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
