If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
