I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
