when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
