So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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