he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
