My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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