i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
