I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
