I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
