She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
