Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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