she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
