I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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