What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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