listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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