mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lo siento on account of my penis...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize