I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
NoShamevember. You game?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
