About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
