oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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