the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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