Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
