The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
