turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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