She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
