I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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