I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
