I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
