got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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