You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
