I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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