I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
