i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
