you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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