He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he fucked my hip out of place.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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