Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
