life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Terrible idea I love it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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