A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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