Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
whose ass print is on the piano?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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