Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
